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The ‘Real Tea’ of Zodiac Signs

Updated: Jun 13, 2022



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By Joey Macari


Yes, I’m a, “what’s your sign?” girl. I have no problem with that title, I’ve adopted it, married it, have had children with it…and I will not be ashamed of it either.


I got super into astrology when I moved to LA. A lot of things didn’t make sense when I lived there: the people, the climate (such an outlier with this one), the pandemic, even my own sense of purpose, at times.


Though I understand it’s not a science, I became mystified by the unique placement of the moon, stars and planets the year, day, hour and minute you were born. I’ve found it to be a kind of a beautiful, cinematic way of looking at things.


In this confusing spot in my life, I found astrology and horoscopes gave me a deeper understanding of who I am, a daily routine, and a roadmap to deal with other people's quirks.


In my still baby-stage of interpreting the zodiac, I’ve deduced some things about all the sun signs. These are all opinion based, so don’t cancel me. Please.


Here’s the hard-truths/real tea of the zodiac, coming from God’s favorite…a Libra.



Aries (March 21-April 20)

– Most likely to be picky eaters.

– Will say “I” an average of 5,937 times in a conversation.

– Expect nuclear disaster if you piss them off.


Taurus (April 21-May 20)

– Definition of “granola” and most likely smokes weed or has plants in their house.

– Enjoy the simpler things in life: eating, sleeping, eating…

– Are reliable long-distance partners.


Gemini (May 21-June 20)

– They are not two-faced, rather, they’ll show you whatever face matters to you.

– Will drag you to a club even if you’re dying in the hospital.

– Are good multitaskers, but hardly finish one.


Cancer (June 21-July 22)

– Most likely to be hoarding water bottles in the front seat of their car.

– Loves thrifting.

– Statistically most likely to be a serial killer.


Leo (July 23-August 22)

– Has narcissistic personality disorder.

– Generous and good gift-buyers (because they love the attention when you open theirs).

– Speaks fluent sarcasm.


Virgo (August 23-September 22)

– Has several forms of OCD.

– “Get your ass up and work” - Kim Kardashian, is their daily mantra..

– Most likely the oldest child.


Libra (September 23-October 22)

– “Incredible, iconic, groundbreaking, never been done before…”

– Loves a good ‘fit and likes to dole out compliments they don’t always mean (“I love your skirt where’d you get it?”)

– Anti-hero complex (consistently has existential dread about whether they’re a good or bad person).


Scorpio (October 23-November 22)

– If they don’t like you…you’ll know.

– Loves conspiracy theories and gossip.

– So many walls up, that after spending years with them, you probably don’t even know what their favorite color is.


Sagittarius (November 23-December 21)

– Probably has read the Communist Manifesto at some point.

– Future-focused.

– Currently listening to a meditation playlist while clutching onto their crystals for dear life.


Capricorn (December 22-January 19)

– Intelligent and independent.

– Hate when people lack common sense.

– The house could be on fire and they’d be cool as a cucumber.


Aquarius (January 20-February 19)

– Hates authority.

– Free-spirited and least judgemental of the zodiac signs.

– Will debate you to death on anything.


Pisces (February 20-March 20)

– Probably crying somewhere.

– Likes to escape into their imagination.

– Aloof to present, but vivid past recall.



Joey Macari is a writer and actor based out of greater New York City. She once fainted in front of Buzz Lightyear on a childhood trip to Disney World. Joey is a Libra Sun, Aries Moon, and Pisces Rising. joeymacari.com

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